where to begin?

May I paint a picture for you? I’m an emotional person. Not the girly emotional kind where Jason could look at me the wrong way and it brings on tears…in those instances it’s usually necessary for me to tone down the sass and walk away …but one where I get attached to things and smells and songs and sounds and colors and memories and hang on to them so tight that when it’s time to say good bye I’m a wreck. That’s where I’m at right now, and it is really, really hard. I mean one-of-the-hardest-journeys-I’ve-walked-through in my short 28 years on Earth hard. My heart is so heavy it hurts. I am at week #35 of baby #4, which means at any point in the next 2 – 5 weeks, I will be heading to the hospital to have a baby. No big deal. I’ve done that before. I mean sure it sucks that I’m pretty certain each morning I wake up a little heavier, somehow roll off the bed onto the floor and waddle around all day trying to ignore the varying waves of hunger and nausea and be nice to Jason. But what is really hard, is finding the emotional strength to pack, move and say good-bye to the only house I’ve known the past 5 years. Why is that so difficult? It’s just a house.

We had pizza with the sellers of our new home yesterday. A few weeks ago during one of my emotional moments I emailed the wife and told her that her family was on my mind. All we had known of each other is what the listing real estate agent has shared acting as the middle man. Their family is relocating with their two young children to Virginia and for me, it’s not just us buying their house. They are people with hearts just like us who have made memories in their home and I wanted her to know that I was thinking about that…often. After many emails back and fourth she invited our family over to their house…which will soon be ours…for pizza and some time together. She knew that we have a young family and that I was expecting a baby very soon and said that she has been thinking about us too. I prayed hard yesterday that I wouldn’t lose it. All I could picture was me crying while her and I hugged and the husbands looking at each other awkwardly wondering “what the heck do we do?” THANK GOD there were no tears shed. I held it together. The food was good and we talked about the details of the home and how things worked and their move and the homes in Virginia and Christmas time. About 90% of the home was all packed up, but it still felt like we were visiting someone else’s home…it was weird. But God knows what we need and obviously I still needed to look at it like that. I was surprised at how not-emotional I really was while we were there. The kids toured our new house in excitement though…claimed their rooms and they are ready to do this.

Then we got home. And that’s when my heart started stirring. I need to man-up and get with the program. I can’t even blame it on these last days of pregnancy, although it’s not helping. I think I’d be just as emotional if my body wasn’t on hormonal red alert as it prepares for labor and nursing. I just don’t know where to begin. What do I pack? “Uh, your house Tiffany.” But how? “Uh, maybe boxes and packaging tape?” But where should I start? “Pick a closet. A room. Something.” But I can’t. That means it’s official.

Our official The-House-Is-Ours Date is January 15th. Because the sellers are relocating, they are having a moving company move everything out the weekend of the 9th and 10th and heading to Virginia. She said that we could start moving things in that week prior if we wanted to. I have less then 12 days to pack and say good bye to the house. Do I sound weird? Men just aren’t the same as woman so Jason is clueless to my ups and downs. I feel bad for him sometimes…when I start to cry and all he knows to do is offer me a hug. All the hugs do are make the crying worse. And the kids are just living in the excitement of the “new, big house.” So I guess it’s all just me…the big round emotional weirdo. One late night a few days ago, I just laid there in bed around 11:00 p.m. while the rest of the house slept, crying while I thought about the tire swing I made for the kids with an old tire from Jason’s car and a google search, the entire back yard Jason and Abram graded with our numerous backhoe and skid-loader equipement rentals, the large boulders that were dug up and placed all around the yard, the grape arbour full of Concord grapes the kids would gobble, the wooden play set I built with my Dad from the pallet of lumber delivered from Home Depot, the large concrete patio we had poured that has blessed us with annual chili cook-offs and kiddie pools and sand boxes and chasing and Tonka Trunks and…see!? I’m a wreck… I really need to just have a baby or something. Get my mind of things.